What's the point of Forgiving?

In the immediate previous posting I shared something of my experience of abuse in a Christian context.  I am grateful for the messages of appreciation and encouragement.  It is indeed never easy to write or talk about such things, but we make our churches safer and better by facing the dangers and minimising the risks.

When someone finds the courage to speak out about an experience of sexual abuse (and there are significant numbers who have suffered), if they do this in a Christian context, the most common response from the person hearing what is, for them, a difficult story, is to ask if the abused person has forgiven their abuser.  This contrasts with the response in a secular context, which usually focuses more on holding the abuser to account.    But asking if the abused has forgiven the abuser is just about the worst thing anyone could do.

Of course, forgiving is an important aspect of Christianity, but far too often the topic is broached with significant misunderstanding of what it is and how it works.  It has become perceived as a good thing to do, or the right thing to do, but without theological and biblical reflection.  The consequence of this where they have not completely forgiven, is to have an additional and false sense of guilt laid upon themselves.  What they need is to be listened to, understood, loved and supported.

It is common for sexual abusers (and other kinds of abusers) to apportion responsibility or blame on the person who has been abused.  “It was your fault for wearing that skirt or that top” etc.  Indeed, people who have been abused typically carry some uncertainty as to whether, at least to some extent, they carry some responsibility.  In some situations of abuse, the victim might experience an orgasm, leaving the victim confused.  It is vital to be clear that in any such situation, where fear, force, favours, or false information is used, it is not consensual.  Of course, there are other factors that determine sexual abuse, such as the age or competence of the victim.  In my experience in talking with people who have been abused I have always found the abusers to be manipulative.  They must accept total responsibility.

The Bible teaches us that while God loves unconditionally, he does not forgive unconditionally.  Nor does he expect other people to do so.  In responding to Peter’s question about how many times he was expected to forgive a person who sinned against him, Jesus firstly makes clear that a willingness to forgive should always be there, BUT he then tells an interesting parable.  In this story, a man owes an enormous debt.  He asks for time to pay the debt, but the creditor generously cancels the debt entirely.  Sadly, that man then goes to someone who owes him a relatively small amount. This man also asks for time to pay.  But the man who has just been forgiven an enormous debt attacks him physically and has him thrown into a debtors’ jail.

This is one of the most disturbing parables Jesus told.  It continues that the man who was owed the original extremely large amount hears about what has happened and reinstates the debt.  Then Jesus adds, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’  While I don’t think that this is commentary on salvation, it does teach an important lesson about forgiveness that resonates with other passages of scripture including what we call the Lord’s Prayer.  Our indebtedness needs to be humbly acknowledged, and grace should be embraced with deep gratitude, demonstrated through a changed life.  If we know ourselves to have been forgiven, the grace that brought forgiveness to us should overflow towards others.

One of the things I draw from that parable is the two-fold aspect for the transaction of forgiveness.  It is impossible for anyone to be truly forgiven if they have not accepted responsibility for the sin, and then humbly accepted the offer of forgiveness made.  In saying that we forgive someone who has not accepted culpability, we may make ourselves feel better by letting go of any bitterness and resentment.  But we have only offered forgiveness.  The guilty party has not been forgiven because there has been no acknowledgement of need.

1John 1:9 tells us that it is when we confess our sin [to God] that he is faithful and just to forgive our sin.

Jesus also taught about the need for accountability and repentance (i.e. a complete change of attitude).  Verses 15 -17 of the same chapter as the parable, addresses the issue of accountability for sin and the need for judgement by the church.  Holding people to account and issues of justice are just as important as mercy. 

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Twice I told my abuser that I had forgiven him, but that if I ever found out he had done the same things to another I would blow the whistle.  I only saw what happened to me as “inappropriate”, and it was many years later that I discovered it was a criminal offence.  But this was only after I had learned that he had abused another person.  Did my failure to hold him to account contribute to subsequent abuse?  I did what I could back then.  Now wiser and better informed, I would have gone straight to the police.

When forgiveness is offered by nice people to bad people there are risks.  Firstly, not holding the person to account leaves him (or her) feeling they have got away with it.  Secondly, it leaves other people at risk from repeated wrong actions.  Thirdly, it delays closure for the victim.  Even though they may have found some blessing in offering forgiveness, the transaction and healing is not complete.  The victim needs to hear the words, “I am to blame, and I am sorry.”  If this said with sincerity, the forgiveness loop is closed.

So, what is the point of forgiveness?   It is not to make the forgiver feel better.  It is to release someone from the debt that is owed.  To give away forgiveness like sweeties without holding the guilty party to full account, fails to achieve the purpose of forgiveness.  It might make it possible.  But the offender remains accountable before God, and possibly society.  The purpose of forgiveness is to release someone from their debt.  Psalm 51 reveals David’s remorse for his actions.  In this psalm he acknowledges his sinful nature, his waywardness, and his deliberate transgression.  He casts himself upon the character of a holy God who has standards.  He acknowledges his dependence on God’s covenant love and mercy.  He also acknowledges that mercy cannot be bought with vast offerings, but that God looks for total contrition.  The psalm reveals true repentance as he seeks forgiveness and restoration.  I am sure that he found God’s forgiveness, but things were never the same for David after that.

Similarly, those who commit sexual abuse and seek forgiveness, should find that things are never the same. We best help repentant abusers when we create a healthy circle of accountability and set up a manageable contract of behaviour.  A truly repentant offender will have no problems accepting that.

For my part, I have no anger or bitterness for what happened to me.  I have been able to use what happened to help others and to help create safer churches.  My part of the forgiveness contract is on the table, and I long for the evidence that the offender is ready to receive it.

Barry Osborne
3^rd November 2017

Reparations

Like many others I have been shocked by the extent of the destruction suffered in Gaza as Israel has responded to rockets fired from Gaza by Hamas.  It has seemed to me not unlike the blanket bombing of Coventry and Dresden in the Second World War.  Such terrible devastation is presented to us as inevitable and unavoidable. Israel claims that since Hamas places and fires its weapons from within domestic and other non-military structures these must be destroyed.  They seek to mitigate the action by sending a first non-exploding missile as a 'knock on the roof'.

But in the few minutes between the first and second missiles there is little time to evacuate the building and hardly any time to hold onto precious possessions.  On one hand such terrible destruction seems disproportionate to the damage caused by Hamas' rockets.  On the other hand Israel states that it has to stop the rockets and close the tunnels used by Hamas against a nation they see as illegally occupying their land.   Meanwhile almost 2,000 people have been killed, most apparently civilians.  One news report stated that over 10,000 houses, government buildings, universities, mosques, and schools were damaged in a month-long assault. In addition to this many factories have also been bombed and there has been significant damage to infrastructure.

The cost of rebuilding and restoring services in Gaza will clearly run into many millions of pounds if not billions of pounds.  It is on this that I wish to focus rather than comment on the claims of justification that the combatants assert.  Hearing on the news that Israel regrets the damage to human life and property made me wonder whether that sorrow was sufficient for Israel to foot the bill.  This got me searching the internet and Bible on the subject of reparations.

There are numerous references to reparation claims after WW2 on the internet but few references in Scripture.  However, the Bible is not silent on the subject and it does set out some principles.  The one particular passage that came to my mind occurs in Luke 19 in the story of the salvation of Zachaeus.  Here is a man who was a chief tax collector on behalf of the occupying force - the Romans.  While people usually shunned him he found that Jesus chose to associate himself.  We do not know what they talked about but the change in Zachaeus is expressed in these words:

‘Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, 

and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back 

four times the amount.’ (Luke 19: 8 NIVUK)

The Law of Moses sets out in Leviticus chapter six that restitution is normally 120% of that which was taken, though Exodus 22 suggests a more generous price. Whether one uses the Exodus reference or the Leviticus reference it is clear that Zachaeus accepted the responsibility he had to make restitution if he had taken more than he should for himself in taxation.

The principle of restitution or reparations ought to be applied to all aspects of sin; not just that which relates to property.  Is telling God that we are sorry for wrong things we have done or said sufficient if it is not then demonstrated by reparations?  Consider, for example, a situation where monies taken illegally from a charity.  Is it enough just to accept the consequences of Court action or should the offender apologise to the charity and its supporters and seek at the least to restore what he had taken?

Or consider a Christian leader who has serially sexually abused those for whom he held a position of trust.  Again the Courts might have imposed a penalty, and he might claim that he has repented.  But should he not also be prepared to, at the least, apologise to the victims and others affected by his actions?

Both those examples are drawn from among many real situations that I have come across through the years.  I am glad that I can also recall situations where monies stolen were repaid with interest, and where apologies have been provided properly. I believe that true repentance is always seen when it is followed by appropriate actions.  I know too that such expressions of repentance bring peace and blessing.

When I was just a child I did something wrong that was quite serious and motivated by malice.  Feeling scared of the consequences I suggested that the culprit was another young person who lived not far away.  Later, when I had become a Christian I told a minister about it and was told that if I had told God I was sorry that was sufficient.  But I was left with guilt which I carried for over thirty years.  Eventually, I arranged to meet with all the parties that were still alive and apologise to them.  While I was also prepared to suffer the consequences of my misconduct I was informed that there would not be a fine (as I had fully expected).  Although it was not my goal, I found an incredible depth of peace afterwards.

Zachaeus' intention to make reparations far beyond what the law required was clearly sincere, unlike a womanising man I knew who would bring his wife some flowers and chocolates after every time he had been unfaithful!  True repentance can be seen in a changed life that does not seek to justify the sins we have committed but seeks to make reparations, regardless of the cost.  For a government to state that they regret collateral damage and the death of innocent people costs nothing.  I wait to see who is going to pick up the bill.

Please take a moment with me to reflect on any hurt we may have caused but so far failed to put right.  Perhaps there is something we should do.

From the diary:

• Holiday at Home in Market Harborough throughout last week brought blessing to many older people in the community.  It was a blessing to work as a part of a team with people from various local churches. Pictures will appear later this week on www.ruralmissionsolutions.org.uk
• Last Monday's joint churches commemorative service in  our village of Yelvertoft was a very special occasion.  Our local Parish Church seemed full.  As we symbolically put out the candles they were replaced by a new light as I read from John chapter 1 about the true light coming into the world.
• Thank you for your prayers for the funeral service last Monday.  It was well attended and I pray that gospel words will touch and change hearts as necessary. As in all aspects of rural ministry I try to always evangelise pastorally and pastor evangelistically.  As Paul points out in 1Corinthians 13 ministry not characterised by love is pretty much a waste of time.
• The week ahead will be spent mainly on administration as there is quite a lot of catching up to be done. This Sunday 10th August I will be ministering at Yelvertoft in the morning and at Newton (near Rugby) in the evening.

As always, thank you for your prayers and support.

Barry

Saying Sorry is Not Always Good Enough

Any Christian listening to the Today programme on Radio 4 last Thursday  would have been intrigued to hear an extended interview with a lady called Maureen Greaves.  Maureen's husband Alan was brutally battered to death by two young thugs while he was on his way to a Christmas Eve church service in Sheffield in 2012.  Maureen is a committed Christian, as was Alan.  This came over clearly in the interview as she spoke about her forgiving the men that had taken the life of the man she loved.

It was a sensitive interview and teased out something of the relationship between forgiveness and justice.  The topic was followed up in another helpful interview with two others reflecting on Maureen's testimony and the topic of forgiveness.  It has also reached other aspects of the UK media.

As I was about to teach on the subject of sexual abuse and the pastoral care of victims at a meeting for officers in the Central London Division of the Salvation Army I thought I should incorporate a recording of the interview and use it as a discussion starter.  So I produced a video to incorporate the audio recording and included various slides with pictures of Alan and Maureen and some quotes taken from a UK newspaper interview.Also among the slides are some pertinent questions on the difficult issue of forgiveness.

It is a difficult and complex issue and after seeing the video we had an excellent discussion at the meeting in London on Monday 6th January. I'm happy to make the video available to others who might wish to use it.  You can contact me at barry@ruralmissions.org.uk. (Please put 'Videos' in the subject line)

While I have no hesitation in stating that God loves everyone all the time and unconditionally, I cannot say that God forgives everyone unconditionally.  To do so would be a denial of his character of being just.  I also believe that it is absolutely wrong for Christians to rush headlong into a process of forgiveness without at least some understanding of what they are doing.  Sadly, this runs counter to what we hear a lot from pulpits and sometimes from poorly informed counsellors.

In the interview Maureen repeatedly stated that she had forgiven the men who killed her husband.  But what had she forgiven them for.  She could certainly forgive them for taking her husband from her, but she certainly could NOT forgive them for the act of murder.  That is not her prerogative.  By contrast, Jesus could forgive those who drove nails through his hands and feet and who gambled below the cross for the last piece of property he owned.  Similarly, Stephen, the first Christian martyr, could forgive those who threw the stones that killed him.  But you or I could never grant third-party forgiveness - nor could even Mary.

I also asked  the group to reflect on what Maureen thought she was affecting by her act of forgiveness.  We know that being able and willing to forgive anyone for a hurt we have suffered can bring peace and healing as we let go of malice, bitterness and resentment. Maureen was a secondary victim of the brutal act the men committed and in offering her forgiveness for that hurt she might affect the hearts and minds of the villains - if it increased a feeling of guilt and remorse.  Others hearing her loving words might also be affected and moved to be more loving and forgiving themselves on personal matters.

A third discussion centred around 'feelings' and punishment.  Maureen stated that she had not felt rage - just bewilderment that anyone should do something so dreadful to the man she loved.  Later she did say that she had some negative feelings and has found herself needing to repeat the act of forgiving them.  I think that unless a person feels some kind of anger or rage over what has been done to them the act of forgiving is less significant.  If we hurt and feel the pain then forgiving has deep meaning.  If it is costless then it could be worthless (not that I am suggesting that Maureen's act was worthless; far from it).

She was asked if she was 'happy' with regard to the prison sentences given to the two young men.  One has to serve a life sentence with a minimum tariff of 25 years before he can even be considered for parole.  The other man was found guilty of manslaughter and was given a nine year sentence.  Maureen stated that she was happy with the life sentence but thought that nine years was too lenient.  She and her family have contented themselves on the lesser sentence on the grounds that when that man is released his face will be well known and they felt his punishment would be more intense after release. "From the start", she said "I wanted justice for Alan".

It is at this point that the interview exposed a hole.Maureen had repeatedly stated that her act was based on the extraordinary forgiveness she had received from God for her sins.  She spoke of God 'forgiving and forgetting'.  Was she, perhaps, acting like the man in the parable Jesus told as recorded in Matthew 18: 23 -35?  The discussion digressed slightly to reflect on John 20:22.  Let's come back to that as it is difficult.

Maureen went on to make a good point.  People that do wrong need to receive due punishment.  It is good for them and for society in general that this is so.  So, unlike the forgiveness we receive from God ,which comes with justification and so no punishment, accepting the rightness of their punishment (and even feeling that one sentence was too short) is right - but perhaps using the word 'happy' was unfortunate.  On the other hand, closure is needed so I don't want to minimise the psychological and emotional benefit derived from the sentences being served.

The final discussion was on what was effected (achieved) by her act of forgiveness.  For her it seems to have brought some peace.  We don't know that it has had effect on the men (that is stimulating remorse and real repentance).  I think it is important to state that it will not have had an effect on God regarding his relationship - or lack of it - with these men.  In God's eyes They remain sinners and his forgiveness requires genuine repentance, and genuine repentance means more than saying sorry.

So let's go back to that tricky verse in John 20:22.  I don't think that this gives to anyone the ability to act in a priestly way to absolve someone from their sins where there is no real repentance.  I certainly do not think that anyone (including ordained priests) have authority to forgive sins that have not been committed against them (i.e. acting as a third person).  I do believe that where we have been sinned against and where we have grace to forgive them, and where they wish to acknowledge culpability and receive forgiveness, then in such a situation where we give forgiveness they are also forgiven in heaven.  But true repentance will always be expressed in a willingness to accept any earthly consequences that follow the sin (e.g. a prison sentence).

I am happy to point people to the words of 1John 1:9.  Where there is acceptance of culpability, true remorse to the extent of openly acknowledging guilt than I am happy to give assurance that in such situations God justly forgives so that "there is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 8:1).

Forgiveness is something precious and we should not cheapen it by passing the words around like sweets from a bag.  In every situation there are always more than one person involved.  Being willing to forgive and offering that is not actually effecting forgiveness if there is no true repentance.  So we need to be careful how we use the term.  We need to consider the issue not just from our side (if it is we who want to forgive); we need to consider the impact on the perpetrator, and also of its impact on society, and in the eyes of God.  Let's be careful that we do not short change someone of a process of grace, or worse still pass them a dodgy note that has forgiven printed on it but is frankly worthless.

From the diary
Sunday 5th - Yelvertoft Congregational Church
Monday 6th - London Central Division of the Salvation Army
Monday evening - video conference for trustees of Mission for Christ
Tuesday 7th - Gartree Prison
Thursday 9th - Bible Discussion Meeting, Yelvertoft
Sunday 12th - Yelvertoft Congregational Church
Monday 13th - Research into Rural Evangelism
Monday 13th - - a telephone conference for the Mission and Society Committee of the Congregational Federation.
Tuesday 14th - Gartree Prison.

I pray that you will be greatly blessed in 2014, which you will be as you seek to walk well with God.

Thank you for your fellowship.

Barry

Proclaimed from the roofs

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." Luke 12:2,3

The words of Jesus quoted above may seem to have some significance in the unhappy situations in the news over the last few days relating to a well known celebrity who, it is alleged, sexually abused young girls on multiple occasions.  As various accounts have been reported I noted the grief one middle aged woman felt that she was unable to blow the whistle on his behaviour many years ago and so possibly save others from being abused.

It appears that his behaviour was enabled because of his prominent status and also because of the fear of the impact that any revelation might have on his charitable activities.  Sadly it was his status in this regard that provided both the opportunities to abuse and an adequate cover to keep his activities secret.

This is familiar territory to those of us who work with the victims of sexual abuse that we come across in churches - especially if that abuse has been perpetrated by a Christian leader.  This recent news about the celebrity coincided with our Bible Discussion Group at Yelvertoft looking at 1 Corinthians 5.  Around five years before Paul sent this letter from Ephesus he had spent eighteen months preaching and teaching and establishing this church.  It existed in what would have probably been a cosmopolitan and pluralistic society lacking a clear over-arching moral framework.  The second issue Paul addresses in his letter is the failure of the church to act appropriately regarding one of their number engaged in a sexual relationship that even society around would deem inappropriate.

Paul's words in this chapter may seem harsh.  We have a tendency as Christians to want to be tolerant, loving and forgiving.  Exercising judgement does not come easy.  Indeed it is easier to hide behind the words of Matthew 7:1, so often poorly understood.  But Paul warns the church of the consequences of their attitude in this matter.  He uses the illustration of the affect of leaven.  In the UK we might talk about the consequences of a rotten apple spoiling a whole barrel full.

As individual Christians and as churches we need to have standards.  Where true repentance follows failure there needs to be forgiveness and acceptance (Paul addresses this in 2 Corinthians 2), but it is imperative that we do not shirk our responsibilities for the individual and corporate moral life.  Whatever the apparent cost of exposing that which is wrong, the real cost of cover-up  his far more serious.  In 1 Timothy 5: 20 we read, "... elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.".

Many will be wondering about how this celebrity got away with it so often.  We might wonder about the organisation that employed him.  Were they, as some have claimed, culpable by their silence and denial?  But before we seek to judge others, we need to start a lot nearer to home.  What was there in the culture of the church in Corinth that led to inaction?  What aspects of contemporary Christian culture might lead to similar failure?

 My News This Week

I want to start by thanking those who responded to last week's news, whether through prayer or a practical response.  We have received several one-off donations which are very much appreciated.  We also had a smaller response to the request for people to join the Mission Link Scheme.  The Link Scheme is very important as it enables us to plan and budget more sensibly.  Of course we will always have to trust God to keep the ministry on the road.  Through the Mission Link Scheme friends can make a small but regular donation (monthly, quarterly or annually).  Every link helps to extend our ministry enabling us to continue serving others.  Details were attached to last week's email, and I will be happy to send a copy again to anyone wanting more information.

We had an excellent service at Gartree Prison last Sunday morning.  There was a good attendance, 100% attention through the whole of the meeting, and a lot of positive feedback from the prisoners who attended and others on the team.  In the evening I took the meeting in Theddingworth, which also proved to be a blessed time.

Most of my time this week was taken up with administration and ministry preparation.  It is often harder to pray for these activities as there doesn't seem to be the same focus as exists if there is a meeting.  However, they are very important.  The phone often rings with someone seeking advice or assistance so my desk is just as much a place of ministry as the pulpit.

Work on our church building at Yelvertoft is progressing slowly and this week's Bible Discussion Group had to be held in the village Reading Room.  We are systematically unpacking 1 Corinthians at present and do so in a dynamic discussion.  If you would find it helpful to have some notes from our Bible studies please let me know.

The Congregational Federation's Area Meeting on Friday, at Leicester provided me with the opportunity to report on new ways in which we hope to enhance the work of our Mission and Development Worker and also progress on the appointment of a Children and Families Worker for the Area.  We are currently advertising this post and your prayers that the Lord will bring in the right person for this important ministry will be appreciated.

Upcoming Engagements
Sunday 7th.  Morning Meeting at Yelvertoft.  In the afternoon I will be conducting a Service of Blessing on a Marriage following a Civil Ceremony at Hothorpe Hall.  The middle-aged couple getting married have been very keen about the Christian element in their special day.  Please pray that I will bring God's word of blessing.

Tuesday 9th.  In the morning I am meeting with two key people from within the local Methodist District exploring how we might be able to support their activities.  In the afternoon I will be at Gartree Prison.

Items for Praise and Prayer:

• Give thanks for the donations received this week and the first links in the Mission Link Scheme.
• Give thanks for God's blessing on the ministry last Sunday and the Bible Discussion Group mid-week.
• Give thanks for those with whom I am working to resolve inherited difficulties in Action for Christ.
• Give thanks for all those in our informal networks seeking to proclaim the gospel, especially those working in rural situations.
• Give thanks for those ordering our mission resources through the past week.
• Give thanks for those (many are my friends) whose ministry includes seeking to make our churches and Christian organisations safer, and who have to clear up after the hurt and damage caused by sin.
• Please pray for our ministry this Sunday at at the start of next week.
• Please pray for the Lord to send the right person for the role of CF Area Children and Families Worker.
• Please pray as I seek with others to make my visit to Ireland in November as useful as possible.
• Please pray that the Lord will supply all the funds needed so that we can end this year without adding to the deficit of the past four years.
• Please pray for more people to join the Mission Link Scheme.
• Please pray for the many survivors of sexual abuse, especially those who come to our churches hoping to find understanding and support.  The high profile of the issue in the news will bring up a lot of hurt from the past for many.
• Please pray for the uncovering of abusive situations, especially where it might be happening in a Christian context.  Pray for those who perpetrate abuse, that they will be convicted of their sin, repent, and seek forgiveness from God and those against whom they have sinned.

Please spend a few moments each day reflecting on how good God is, and recognising his blessing in your life.  Then gently put your day into his hands to be what he wants you to be where he wants you to be.

The Lord abundantly bless you.