What's the point of Forgiving?

In the immediate previous posting I shared something of my experience of abuse in a Christian context.  I am grateful for the messages of appreciation and encouragement.  It is indeed never easy to write or talk about such things, but we make our churches safer and better by facing the dangers and minimising the risks.

When someone finds the courage to speak out about an experience of sexual abuse (and there are significant numbers who have suffered), if they do this in a Christian context, the most common response from the person hearing what is, for them, a difficult story, is to ask if the abused person has forgiven their abuser.  This contrasts with the response in a secular context, which usually focuses more on holding the abuser to account.    But asking if the abused has forgiven the abuser is just about the worst thing anyone could do.

Of course, forgiving is an important aspect of Christianity, but far too often the topic is broached with significant misunderstanding of what it is and how it works.  It has become perceived as a good thing to do, or the right thing to do, but without theological and biblical reflection.  The consequence of this where they have not completely forgiven, is to have an additional and false sense of guilt laid upon themselves.  What they need is to be listened to, understood, loved and supported.

It is common for sexual abusers (and other kinds of abusers) to apportion responsibility or blame on the person who has been abused.  “It was your fault for wearing that skirt or that top” etc.  Indeed, people who have been abused typically carry some uncertainty as to whether, at least to some extent, they carry some responsibility.  In some situations of abuse, the victim might experience an orgasm, leaving the victim confused.  It is vital to be clear that in any such situation, where fear, force, favours, or false information is used, it is not consensual.  Of course, there are other factors that determine sexual abuse, such as the age or competence of the victim.  In my experience in talking with people who have been abused I have always found the abusers to be manipulative.  They must accept total responsibility.

The Bible teaches us that while God loves unconditionally, he does not forgive unconditionally.  Nor does he expect other people to do so.  In responding to Peter’s question about how many times he was expected to forgive a person who sinned against him, Jesus firstly makes clear that a willingness to forgive should always be there, BUT he then tells an interesting parable.  In this story, a man owes an enormous debt.  He asks for time to pay the debt, but the creditor generously cancels the debt entirely.  Sadly, that man then goes to someone who owes him a relatively small amount. This man also asks for time to pay.  But the man who has just been forgiven an enormous debt attacks him physically and has him thrown into a debtors’ jail.

This is one of the most disturbing parables Jesus told.  It continues that the man who was owed the original extremely large amount hears about what has happened and reinstates the debt.  Then Jesus adds, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’  While I don’t think that this is commentary on salvation, it does teach an important lesson about forgiveness that resonates with other passages of scripture including what we call the Lord’s Prayer.  Our indebtedness needs to be humbly acknowledged, and grace should be embraced with deep gratitude, demonstrated through a changed life.  If we know ourselves to have been forgiven, the grace that brought forgiveness to us should overflow towards others.

One of the things I draw from that parable is the two-fold aspect for the transaction of forgiveness.  It is impossible for anyone to be truly forgiven if they have not accepted responsibility for the sin, and then humbly accepted the offer of forgiveness made.  In saying that we forgive someone who has not accepted culpability, we may make ourselves feel better by letting go of any bitterness and resentment.  But we have only offered forgiveness.  The guilty party has not been forgiven because there has been no acknowledgement of need.

1John 1:9 tells us that it is when we confess our sin [to God] that he is faithful and just to forgive our sin.

Jesus also taught about the need for accountability and repentance (i.e. a complete change of attitude).  Verses 15 -17 of the same chapter as the parable, addresses the issue of accountability for sin and the need for judgement by the church.  Holding people to account and issues of justice are just as important as mercy. 

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Twice I told my abuser that I had forgiven him, but that if I ever found out he had done the same things to another I would blow the whistle.  I only saw what happened to me as “inappropriate”, and it was many years later that I discovered it was a criminal offence.  But this was only after I had learned that he had abused another person.  Did my failure to hold him to account contribute to subsequent abuse?  I did what I could back then.  Now wiser and better informed, I would have gone straight to the police.

When forgiveness is offered by nice people to bad people there are risks.  Firstly, not holding the person to account leaves him (or her) feeling they have got away with it.  Secondly, it leaves other people at risk from repeated wrong actions.  Thirdly, it delays closure for the victim.  Even though they may have found some blessing in offering forgiveness, the transaction and healing is not complete.  The victim needs to hear the words, “I am to blame, and I am sorry.”  If this said with sincerity, the forgiveness loop is closed.

So, what is the point of forgiveness?   It is not to make the forgiver feel better.  It is to release someone from the debt that is owed.  To give away forgiveness like sweeties without holding the guilty party to full account, fails to achieve the purpose of forgiveness.  It might make it possible.  But the offender remains accountable before God, and possibly society.  The purpose of forgiveness is to release someone from their debt.  Psalm 51 reveals David’s remorse for his actions.  In this psalm he acknowledges his sinful nature, his waywardness, and his deliberate transgression.  He casts himself upon the character of a holy God who has standards.  He acknowledges his dependence on God’s covenant love and mercy.  He also acknowledges that mercy cannot be bought with vast offerings, but that God looks for total contrition.  The psalm reveals true repentance as he seeks forgiveness and restoration.  I am sure that he found God’s forgiveness, but things were never the same for David after that.

Similarly, those who commit sexual abuse and seek forgiveness, should find that things are never the same. We best help repentant abusers when we create a healthy circle of accountability and set up a manageable contract of behaviour.  A truly repentant offender will have no problems accepting that.

For my part, I have no anger or bitterness for what happened to me.  I have been able to use what happened to help others and to help create safer churches.  My part of the forgiveness contract is on the table, and I long for the evidence that the offender is ready to receive it.

Barry Osborne
3^rd November 2017