We were singing John Wimber’s short hymn,
“O let the Son of God enfold you with is
Spirit and his love” and were partly through the second verse which has the
lines, “O give him all your tears and
sadness, give him all your years of pain”, when I suddenly felt there was
someone with a special need in the meeting.
It was a Sunday evening and I was leading a meeting in a church hall. There were no more than 24, and possibly
less, in attendance and all of them I knew quite well. What I felt was that
there was someone there who was deeply hurt, so much so that their soul felt as
if it was one large bruise, too tender to touch.
I couldn’t think who it might be. It
didn’t seem to fit anyone, as far as I was aware. Was it my imagination, or could it have been
a revelation from God. If it was, then
that sort of thing was not a common experience for me. As we stopped singing, I plucked up courage,
and spoke. “I’m not sure if God has revealed something to me, but I think there
might be someone here tonight who has suffered a deep hurt, like a very painful
bruise. Now you feel so bruised that you
dare not even allow God to touch you in case it brings more pain. If you recognise what I am saying, please
know that the Holy Spirit moves very gently.
Let him touch you and heal the pain as we sing the song once again.” We sang the song again and the service
moved on.
I half hoped someone would speak to me
after the meeting, and put me at ease.
But no one did and I went home feeling a little stupid. The next morning, I found an envelope had
been pushed through our letterbox. On
opening it I found a beautiful poem, written as a testimony by Anna. I had called her family the previous
day. They were relaxing and Anna was
sitting on a settee with her feet up.
But there was nothing to alert me to what she had just gone
through. I was to learn that she had
just come home from hospital following an operation to terminate an ectopic
pregnancy. A little life had been developing
in one of her fallopian tubes instead of the womb. A surgical procedure had been urgently required,
bringing an end to the pain, but also to the life within her. But one pain had been replaced with another
pain, for which there was no easy cure.
While I was ignorant of all Anna had
gone through, and the hurt she felt that Sunday evening, God knew, and longed
to touch her soul, if only she would let him.
Here is Anna’s poem, written on arriving home that evening.
Empty arms are
painful,
Empty arms they
hurt,
Empty arms – they
tear
At the strings of
my heart
I long to hold my
baby
I long to call his
name
I long to whisper,
“I love you”
And caress that
delicate frame.
His creation was so
special
He was to be our third
The love that was
his making –
Beauty – unseen –
unheard.
A longed for little
brother
A longed for little
son
Excitement becomes
a nightmare
As death threatens
the little one.
Foetus – the medics
called him
Pregnancy products
his name
Ectopic was my condition
Surgery the cure
for the pain.
I got caught up in
all their mechanics
The stitches, the
scar and the pills.
But the hurt – it
just continued
Grief the cause of
my ills.
My babe got lost in
the jargon –
The jargon of
hospital care.
He wasn’t a baby,
he wasn’t a child,
Just an “it” no
longer there.
Reality was dulled
by this tactic;
It even worked for
a while.
“Try for another to
replace it”
Well-meaning advice
with a smile.
It wasn’t another
baby I needed
As a remedy –
feelings to numb;
I had to work
through the turmoil
The sadness of
losing my son.
I was angry with
God for a short time
“I don’t
understand” was my cry.
“I want my baby – I
WANT MY BABY”.
“I love you” came
His reply.
God was longing to
heal me.
This I knew deep
down from the start
But I was scared to
let him touch me
Scared of more pain
in my heart.
He said, “Remember,
I lost my baby –
Gave up my precious
Son,
Watched him suffer
and die in the worst way
For you, my beloved
one.
I cry with you as
you’re weeping;
I feel with you as
you hurt;
Let me love you,
walk with you, care for you,
Embrace you and
bring you comfort.”
“The Holy Spirit works gently”
I heard somebody
say
Like warm ointment
He flowed in to heal me,
And soothed all the
pain away.
Anna Wilson
(Included here with permission. Please do not reproduce in any form without
permission)
Over the years since that day,
I have shared Anna’s beautiful poem on occasions. Often it has been used alongside one of my
favourite solos, “All I ever do is love
you” by Marilyn Baker. I have always
felt a special anointing when singing that song, and God has used it so many
times to touch hearts. I had
planned at the start of last week to incorporate John Winber’s hymn and Anna’s
poem into the service at Gartree Prison yesterday. When that decision was made I was not to know
that little Charlie Gard would be allowed to die at the end of the week. Nor was I aware until after the service, that
several of the prisoners had wept over the loss of their own baby. After the service, some prisoners testified
to weeping as sang John Wimber’s song.
Another prisoner told me how his mother had experienced a traumatic
ectopic pregnancy, and that he had been conceived not long after that. Sadly, faith in Christ had been replaced by
anger towards God for his mother. Two
prisoners have asked for copies of the poem to send back to their families.
Whatever your opinion regarding
the battle fought by Charlie’s parents, as they resisted the advice of the
specialist at the hospital, I know his passing will have caused them deep
sadness. Emotions might include anger at
this time. But I know too that God loves
them and that he is what they need.
Occasionally, pastoral issues have challenged me enormously. One such occasion was on the second
successive cot death for two friends of mine.
Another occasion was hearing a colleague, who was a hospital chaplain,
speak about the frightening number of services he conducted in a year following
still births or other infant mortality situations. I’m not sure that I could have done his
job. Sharing the pain of parents on the
loss of a child is far from easy.
Jesus wept at the graveside of
a friend. I feel sure that the heart of
God the Father was torn as he watched his Son endure the cross. Whatever painful experience we might pass
through in our lives, God knows what we might seek to hide from others, or even
deny to ourselves. He knows, he loves,
and he cares. If you are not familiar
with the hymn it is 502 in Mission Praise, if you use that book. I would also be happy to send the words if
anyone has difficulty in tracking it down.
From the Diary
Saturday 5th August – The Webinar (see below). Please make sure that you have booked in.
Sunday 6th – Weldon Congregational
Church, Rutland
9th to 11th
– I will be working in East Sussex on a difficult project.
Sunday 13th – Newark
Congregational Church, Nottinghamshire
14 – 18 “Holiday at Home”
outreach to older people in Market Harborough.
Saturday 19th – East
Midlands Mission Support Group Meeting
Sunday 20th – Welby Lane
Mission, Melton Mowbray.
The trustees of Rural Mission
Solutions determined to close a bank account and have opened an account elsewhere. Unfortunately, this has not gone smoothly,
and we operate with a limited income for that ministry. Please pray that existing supporters will not
be lost through this process.
Please pray for Christian
friends at Dunks Green, near Tonbridge. I
am a trustee of the Chapel there, and we are seeking permission from the Charity
Commission to transfer it to a new charity that the members have set up. Please pray that this will not be hindered
any more than it has been already.
I am a trustee under a Will
which includes a large and run-down property in East Sussex. My fellow trustee and I would like to re-accommodate
the elderly lady who lives in this house and provide her with a regular income.
But she is very attached and has resisted this. She now needs a fairly high
level of care. While we do not wish to
cause her stress, we feel that we have no alternative to our plan. Please pray.
Please pray for a church in
Hastings, where I was surprised to find I was still a trustee some 29 years
after leaving this church! I have been
trying to point this church in the best direction for resolving governance
issues they have.
Finally, lease pray for new
additional appropriate people to come and share in our ministry to the rural
churches of the UK. A ‘Joshua’ is
needed, not to mention a Timothy and John Mark!
Thank you for standing with us.
Barry
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