Living with failure

One of my favourite subjects when I was at school was technical drawing.  I was a keen mathematician and technical drawing seemed to grow out of that.  However, I have never had good control over my hands and drawing neat lines was a problem. It ought not to have been a problem since we used a tool called a clutch pencil and mistakes could be erased.  But that was where things always seemed to get worse.  My attempts to erase failure always seemed to leave behind the evidence.  As much as I loved the subject, my messy work let me down time and again.

I intended to entitle this article, ‘starting afresh’, but ‘living with failure’ seemed more honest.  I thank God that his mercy endures for ever, and that he gives the opportunity for fresh starts again and again.  However, even if we managed to never make the same mistake twice, we often find that, from our perspective, something of past failures remain in our lives, rather like the evidence left behind when I tried to erase my mistakes on the drawing board. But is that necessarily a bad thing?

If we have let ourselves and God down (and anyone else), it is wonderful to know that God completely forgives when we repent.  From his point of view, it seems the evidence has been erased.  So, we talk about what God forgives he forgets.  However, I’m not sure that it is that simple.  Jeremiah 31 speaks about the New Covenant and in verse 34 God promises that in that day he will not remember the sins of his people any more.  But I’m not sure that the doctrine of forgiveness and justification grows out of an inability to remember.  Is it that God cannot remember what we have repented of, or that he chooses to forget them?  Surely the wonder of salvation is that God knows all too well our weaknesses but so forgives us that it is as if we had never sinned.

I used to look at my technical drawings with huge disappointment.  The more I tried to erase my mistakes the worse I seemed to make it.  Of course, I should have been using my mistakes to make me extra careful in future.  That way living with failure would have led to a positive outcome.  These days, the essential tremor that affects my hands means that I type rather than write, and try to be careful if carrying anything with liquid in it, like a hot cup of coffee.  I recognise I have a weakness and learn to live sensibly.

Many years ago, when I was living in community, we had a well-known painting of an English, blonde Jesus staring knowingly out of the picture frame.  Beneath it were the words,” The Lord turned and looked upon Peter and Peter remembered”. The picture was inspired by words from Luke 22:61 and record a moment as Jesus was led from the house of the High Priest where he was on trial for his life.  Peter had adamantly assured Jesus that he would never let him down.  But, in the pressure of the situation in the courtyard, he had three times denies knowing Jesus.  What was in that look that Jesus gave to Peter, that made Peter remember, then go out and weep bitterly?

Doreen and I once attended a performance by the Rev Frank Topping of The Impossible God.  It had a powerful impact on me.  The dramatization of this story I knew so well gripped me in a new way.  It seemed to grip the audience in the Stables Theatre in Hastings, possibly as many had not realised the message and purpose of the performance.  I found myself beginning to understand how Peter must have felt.  I was also moved by the scene of Thomas meeting the risen Jesus.  There is a line which goes something like, “Those were not nail prints; they were chasms of love”!  Wow!

Prior to this I used to state that it was the baptism of the Holy Spirit Peter experienced on the Day of Pentecost that made him a different man. But then I saw things differently.  How important was it that Peter made such a dreadful mess of things and knew that he could never put it right?  How important was it to hear again loving words and receive loving looks from the One he had failed, and who knew his failure?

I do not believe in the so-called doctrine of sinless perfection.  I am not glad that I fail and mess things up between me and the Lord, but I think that living with failure in the light of God’s unconditional love is important.  In my teens, I was a zealous Christian who tried to be a better Christian than others of whom I was critical.  When I heard about the baptism in the Holy Spirit, I started attending special prayer meetings where people met to seek this experience. I saw many of my peers receive the Holy Spirit just as people did on the Day of Pentecost.  But I left these meetings disappointed.  I could not understand why God blessed others and not me when I was sure that I was at least as good if not better than them.

Some months later, in a church meeting and listening to a sermon from a man whose life I could see was marred by a critical spirit, God met with me.  As I rehearsed his failings before God and asked why he had the audacity to preach at me, the Holy Spirit withdrew from me.  In a moment, I knew why.  The faults I found in him were also in my life.  I prayed that God would take the bitterness from my heart and baptise me in his love.  Immediately I was baptised in the Holy Spirit, just as the disciples had experienced in Jerusalem so many years before.

My failure to see myself as I really was, had become the reason I was failing to experience all that God wanted to do in my life.  There is an important balance to be struck in the aspect of forgiving ourselves.  God does not want us to cart around unnecessary guilt when he offers forgiveness and reconciliation.  However, it is important that we acknowledge that we do mess up from time to time.  God does not look at you and me through some kind of divine blinkers.  The wonder of grace is that he sees us as we really are, yet still lives us and offers us forgiveness.  We also need to see ourselves as we really are as we take hold of that love and forgiveness.  Facing up to my mess, helps me to move on with God, and deepens my awe of him.

From the Diary

Tuesday 10^th – HMP Gartree

Wednesday 11^th – Churches Rural Group (representing the Rural Evangelism Network and smaller Free Churches)

Friday 13^th – Interviewing a student moving into ministry.

Thank you for your fellowship.

Barry 

Sharing Peter’s Shame

I hope you had a great Easter.  No doubt at some time over the past week you will have heard at least one mention of Peter and his tragic denial of Jesus.  Both Matthew and Luke tell us that he went outside and wept bitterly.  (Matthew 26:75; Luke 22:62).   Matthew states this was after hearing the cockerel crow and Luke adds that the Lord looked straight at Peter.  Leading up to Easter I tried to imagine how Peter was feeling in that moment.  What made him weep so bitterly?  Was he weeping for Jesus or over his own failure? Perhaps both, but certainly over his own failure.

We need to try to put ourselves into Peter’s shoes.  He was caught up in a dangerous situation and everything seemed out of control.  The Easter tragedy in Lahore brings home the fact that there are Christians in various parts of the world where just being a Christian puts your life at risk.  Clearly, Peter felt his life to be at risk or he would never have denied knowing Jesus.

But no matter what the mitigating circumstances, Peter knew that he had let the Lord down, and that he was not the man he thought he was.  In the light of that I would like to put my hand up to acknowledge the times when my behaviour has demonstrated that I am not the man I want to be.

The first time I received this salutary lesson took place in 1964.  I had joined an interdenominational mission led by people from Pentecostal churches.  Here, for the first time, I heard about the importance of being filled with the Holy Spirit. They spoke about an experience of being baptised in or with the Holy Spirit. Several of my friends from the Baptist Church and the Salvation Army who worked alongside me in this Mission had obvious experiences of the Holy Spirit coming on them in times of corporate prayer.  I was keen to receive anything that God could give that would make me a more effective evangelist.  But time and again, while others received a blessing I came away disappointed.

What made this difficult to accept was my own opinion of myself. I knew that I was at least as good a Christian as my friends.  In fact, if anything, I was more committed, and something of a spiritual leader among my peers.  So why was God withholding the blessing?   All I could see was that the problem was at God’s end of the promise; I was really keen and longing to receive the promised gift of the Holy Spirit in a similar if not the same way as my peers had experienced.

Occasionally our weekend team ministry across the denominations would take us to a Pentecostal church.  This was really embarrassing as lovely older men and women would ask if I had received this baptism in the Spirit, and I would have to confess I had not.  Sometimes they prayed with me but still God withheld the blessing. This situation reached a climax when the team was booked to conduct the Sunday services for a rural Assemblies of God church.  In the evening service, the leader of the team included in his message a point about the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I knew that everyone else on the team had experienced this and assumed that all the nice Pentecostal people in the church had too.  It seemed clear to me that he was preaching a pointed sermon and that it was directed towards me.

As he spoke I rehearsed before God this man’s many faults.  He had an unpleasant judgmental attitude towards others, he was destructively critical and showed little sign or real love for sisters and brothers, over whom he lorded himself.  How dare he preach at me, who was kind, considerate of others and majored on the importance of love as a hallmark of our faith!

As I poured out my own condemnation on the one who regularly judged others, suddenly the Holy Spirit withdrew from me.  Up until that point I am not sure how aware I was of the Holy Spirit’s presence in my life.  But, in that sudden moment, his withdrawal was as dramatic as if the lights had suddenly gone out or the temperature had dropped ten degrees.  And I knew why.  I was not the man I thought I was or wanted to be.  While the sermon progressed I was having my own encounter with God.  I prayed, “Lord take away the bitterness and baptise me with your love”.  I had reached a point where I knew m self as a failure.

Hardly had the prayer left my mind, when a fountain of love and joy erupted from somewhere deep within me. As I felt the Holy Spirit’s return I let out a quiet “Hallelujah!”  As I did so a second fountain erupted from deep within.  The more I spontaneously responded in silent praise and thanks, the more the blessing came. (See John 7:38)  I was overwhelmed.  I had to sit through the closing hymn as my legs had turned to jelly.  I have never been drunk but I think that would be something like that. 

Sadly, on the way home that evening I listened to the team leader criticising another team member, but all I could do was laugh because all I felt was brotherly love towards a naturally un-loveable person.  How true it is that the Holy Spirit spreads the love of God into our hearts (See Romans 5:5).

I would like to be able to say that this was the only time that I let down both God and myself, but that would not be true. Like Paul who wrote to the Philippians, I know that I am not perfect.  I also know that if I am ever to be the kind of man I would want to be, it will only come about as a miracle of grace.  Perhaps God needs us to keep that awareness of our failure so that it keeps us hungering for God and holiness.

From the diary

Thank you for your prayers during the past ten days.  I praise God for his blessing.  Particular highlights include a service of thanksgiving for the life of Alan Buxton, one of our members at Yelvertoft.  A large congregation attended as we gave thanks for his life and celebrated the gospel.  On Tuesday I shared in a meeting for the Congregational Federation Accreditation group in Nottingham and on Wednesday travelled to London to share in an interesting meeting for the Free Churches Group.

On Good Friday I shared in leading a Stations of the Cross service at the prison.  While some aspects did not fit my personal theology I found this to be a precious time and it set me up for the communion service that followed in the village church. On Easter Sunday I had the privilege of leading worship at the prison before travelling the 17 miles to minister at the village church.  Together we share the joy, exclaiming, “Hallelujah!  Christ is risen!”

This week I shall be in the prison on Tuesday, and attending a Thanksgiving Service for the life of Alan Tarling who was a Christian friend and good influence in my life since my teens, and who served as a former trustee of Sunrise Ministries.  Normally, this week would be a semi-holiday as Doreen and I would have attended a church leaders conference.  Instead the time will be filled with various activities in Market Harborough and, at the end of the week in Sussex.

Thank you for your prayers that the Lord will provide an Anglican colleague for the prison chaplaincy team.  Interviews are being held.  Please keep praying for the members of Yelvertoft Congregational Church as they contemplate my forthcoming retirement from that aspect of ministry.

Thank you for your fellowship.

Barry

Fruitlessness

It is sad that among many Christians there is a desire to always appear successful.  We don't like admitting to failure.  A Minister attending a Ministers' Fraternal in a large town was perplexed as in turn each one present spoke of the wonderful things that were happening in their churches.  He became concerned that something about the meeting inhibited people talking about problems they were confronting.  As an older man himself he knew that church leadership and ministry often produces tears.  So when his turn cam he deliberately only spoke about a current difficult situation in his church.  He hoped that his contribution would release other Ministers to speak more honestly.  He waited expectantly for the next man.  His opening word were "I'm glad I haven't got any problems in my church like that!"  Not one other among the 20 to 30 Ministers there were prepared to admit to problems or weaknesses.  Why can't we be more honest?

My fruitlessness story this week is about my attempt to upgrade my laptop from Windows 7 to Windows 10.  I have an early version of Windows 8 on my Surface Tablet and knew that W10 would be a better experience.  I goit ready by transferring data files to an external hard drive to maximise space.  I checked that my computer and system passed the test for the upgrade and was delighted to see the update downloading and installing automatically late one evening.  But at the critical moment it failed to load.

The next day I ran some checks and repeated the download and installation successfully.  But once more it failed on startup.  A phone call to Microsoft resulted in a very nice lady in their technical department spending a couple of hours working on my laptop remotely but every time she loaded W10 it failed at startup.  She kindly booked me a session with a senior technician and this Saturday morning he rang and we made a confident start.  During the following five hours, during which time a second senior technician joined the exercise, the outcome was fruitless.

So I wasted about a day and a half with these fruitless attempts.  I wonder how the men felt who had tried so many things to get it to work.  After all they are experts and the problem is with my laptop and not their skills.

The problem was not with the men who had gone fishing.  They spent time and effort fruitlessly despite drawing on their knowledge and experience.  They were experts but after fruitless hours had to admit defeat.  Fortunately there was another expert on hand who understood the problem and had a workable solution.  I'm sure that you know the two occasions that are mentioned in the gospels, (Luke 5: 4-7;  John 21: 1-8)

How are you feeling about your service for the Master right now.  If it proving fruitful then give thanks to God.  On the other hand if you are going through a frustrating and difficult time, don't despair. Acknowledging our failure and listening to God's response may well change the situation.  His presence and his wisdom changed the situation for the fishermen.  However, trust in God is not the same as triumphalism, which is usually a bad thing.  Sometimes, it is part of God's plan that we live with our failure so that our faith and commitment are tested.  Many a wonderful servant of God has felt that they laboured for nothing.  Remember that success is getting up one more time thaan you fall down.

Fruitfulness in ministry of any kind is not down to our ability or goodness.  When things are not going right in our ministry then trying harder is not usually as effective as trusting more.
 

Current items for praise & prayer
Thank you for your prayers for the Sunday ministry at HMP Gartree and Yelvertoft.  There was quit blessing in both locations.  Thank you also for your prayers for Holiday at Home (10-14 August) in Market Harborough.  There was a good attendance each day and a real sense of the joy and blessing of God.  It was particularly encouraging to see how both the team and our guests worked together for the blessing of others.  We lose our leader, Rev Brian Kennard, next year but the team is in good heart and keen to keep going.  Brian and his wife are former associate evangelists from Mission fro Christ days.

Last Tuesday was my last day as Chair of the Churches Rural Group (a Coordinating Group of Churches Together in England).  While I shall continue to be part of this Group I was happy to pass responsibility on to fresh shoulders.

On Thursday I met with others responsible for Area Mission workers fro the East Midlands Area of the Congregational Federation.  After much prayer, consultation and reflection we have come up with a plan that has excited us as we seek to support some 30 churches in their mission.

This Sunday I share in a Joint Open Air Service in the village of Crick, Northants.
Monday 24 I share in a telephone conference responding to various requests for financial support for mission within the Congregational Federation.
Tuesday 25 there is more planning - this time with the Yelvertoft group from various churches as we plan the next two term's school assemblies.  From there I go to HMP Gartree for my regular activities.
On Wednesday 26 we hold our summer holiday Messy Church Event in Yelvertoft.  Please pray for a good attendance by children plus parents.   Please pray for the team of which I am a part.

I have been doing some important writing recently and there is more to be done.    I am also busy in several aspects of ministry so although there are no meetings for the rest of the week I expect to be very busy.

CHRISTIAN SERVICE OPPORTUNITIES
I am looking for some additional members for the Webinar Team, especially people with reasonable confidence using a computer who would help monitoring questions raised by those who attend the webinars.  Email me to find out more.

Sunrise Ministries is looking for people who understand rural life, love the Lord and have ability in children's work.  At the moment we have sufficient funds to offer a part time post. This position involves work as an enabler with rural churches to help build appropriate programmes of mission and ministry to and with children.  Email me for more information about this post.

Thank you for your prayers and practical support.  Your fellowship means so much to us.

Yours sincerely in Christ,

Barry